It pains me to have to say this.
You are hereby put on notice for ejection from the International League of Redheads, for conduct unbecoming to a member. We offer all our members tremendous latitude in every area of life, as well as, rather incredibly, honorary entry with full privileges to those “who embody the redhead aesthetic despite the grave handicap of, to put it simply, not being redheaded from birth.”
Please, Lindsay, consider your misplaced dignity. While no individual redhead can diminish the status of our community, inclusion can and will be be revoked for behavior that tarnishes our collective image. You are teetering dangerously near the edge of this precipice. While it’s very likely that your membership papers went astray long ago, given the chaos in which you seem to dwell (much to my regret), please recall that reinstatement among us, once membership has been officially revoked, is extraordinarily hard to achieve. We therefore beg you to take a good, hard look in the mirror and consider all that you have to lose. Our league is composed of the rarest, most follicle-ly blessed individuals on the planet. Your inclusion is a great privilege.
Truly, we would hate to lose you, but lose you we will if you continue to appear in public attired as you are below. This your official warning. There will not be another.
International League of Redheads